Sometimes I feel so far away from everything.  It’s ridiculous.  It makes me sad.  I do it to myself.  I get so caught up in school and what I’m doing and the things that I have to do at home that I don’t go out at all for months (other than to school and the grocery store).  When I don’t go out for a while, I really don’t want to go out.  It seems overwhelming and like a chore.  Am I that introverted?  I never thought so, but there’s definitely something going on there… Anyway, I’ve been at that point for a while, where going out seems terrible.  But I feel so disconnected from everyone.  I feel like I don’t know what’s going on with my friends or my family (other than the ones I live with)…  So I feel sad because I feel disconnected… and the worst part is that I don’t even have time right now to go out and do things anyway.  All of that combined with winter makes me feel like crap.  I’m sleepy and cold all the time because of this stupid weather and I feel like I’m on the verge of tears several times a week over nothing.  NOTHING.  The other day I almost started crying because Dad was annoyed at Erin and he told me that he wasn’t annoyed at me.  That doesn’t even make sense!  Anyway, I guess I’m saying I have the blues right now and it sucks.

Aside from that, school is going really well so far.  I’m loving my hours this semester and I like all of my classes pretty well.  I actually like my Spanish class more than I thought I was going to.  It’s not as stressful as last semester.  We don’t have to talk as much individually as it seemed like we would have to.  My nutrition classes are interesting (except menu planning right now, ugh).  And I have Dr. Patterson for HR Management which sounds boring, but it’s actually really interesting and he is sooo sooo funny.  I love going to his class.  Plus he has a NYC accent which is just fun to listen to.  There’s a cute guy in my group in my research class, but I haven’t figured out if he’s straight or not yet…  I’m thinking straight, but then again I have a terrible track record of figuring that out.

I’m doing WW with mom now.  I started it last week and I’ve already lost two pounds.  That’s huge for me because weight has always been so slow to come off of me.  I lost 20 pounds after I cut out gluten and I’ve maintained that no problem, but I haven’t been able to lose and maintain anymore than that.  This is working, and quickly, so I’m going to keep it up.  I’m really excited to be making some progress there…

I haven’t found any job openings in the field that I need, so I’m praying something opens up soon for me.  You can pray that too, if you want.  It’s incredibly frustrating.

I guess that’s all I’ve got for now.

Oh my goodness, I can honestly say that the past few months have been the most hectic/stressful/quickest of my life.  I feel like I’ve been running with no chance to stop and catch my breath. Now that I’m on break, I’m soooo tired.  I can’t seem to catch up on my sleep.  It’s ridiculous.  I’ve been basically a stay-at-home mom for the past month or so… It has been fun hanging with EJ, but I also sort of feel like I didn’t get the break I wanted before my winter term class started.  I have something due everyday of the week now and when my class is done, I’ll start Spring semester… So, yuck.  But, the good thing about all this is that I’m a year out from graduation now! Scary and exciting!

Ok, onto a more shallow subject.  I got some new brushes for Christmas that are amazing.  I don’t usually think about brushes being the hair tool that changes how your hair acts a whole lot, but these do.  I have completely stopped using my flat iron and curling irons, because my hair is so much healthier without them, but I hated not having the versatility of having straight hair or just wavy hair, so I started looking for some solutions.  I found these boar bristle brushes from Wen and I use them everyday and they rock.  They’re supposed to be good about not causing breakage and they are really cool because your hair doesn’t get tangled in them and they’re round brushes.  And that’s all for my gushing about hair stuff, but I love them so much I had to share.

I am feeling really blah lately.  Restless, I guess.  I want to do something, but I don’t know what.  I think it’s just because it’s winter and I’ve been home for a long time now, but geez, sometimes it feels like I’m going to go insane.  And when I get like this, it makes me think about where I am in life and then I start thinking about boys… And even though I feel like I’m going to end up with someone eventually, it just seems so far away.  And it feels like there isn’t really someone out there who could be all the things that I want and need in a guy who will accept all the things that are wrong with me or be interested enough in me to stick around.  I guess everyone feels like this sometimes… And to further complicate that hopeless feeling, I don’t even want to date.  I don’t want to have to get that nervous about whether someone is going to like me or worry about scaring someone off.  I don’t want to have to go through that horrible getting to know someone process where I second guess everything I say/he says/he does/I do… I just wish I could fast forward to the part where we’ve been dating for a couple of months and we’re comfortable with each other and I don’t have to pretend that when he texts me and it wakes me up that I’m not utterly pissed off.  But then I know I always love the first part of relationships… It’s just that the thought of having to start from the beginning again with somebody new is overwhelming.  (But heaven knows, I’d never want to date the ones I’ve already dated again

Wow, sorry that took a really melancholy turn… Um, so. Food.  I was eating ‘flexitarian’ (no meat on 2-3 days a week) for the last few weeks of December. Then Christmas happened and I’ve not started back on that.  I want to get back into that routine again.  I think it’s a healthier way to eat, plus when I eat vegetarian meals, I have to eat more diverse foods.  Right now, I’m really loving quinoa.  Have you ever tried it?  Mom, EJ and Erin were all forced to try it by me… and they loved it.  Well, I didn’t have to force EJ.  He’s so good about trying new foods.  All I have to do is sit down to eat something and say, ‘Want a bite?’  He always tries whatever I’m eating and almost always likes it. I hope my kids are like that.  Feeding them will be sooo easy.

And I guess the last little thing I’m gonna say is that mom ordered an iPad on ebay and she’s giving me her Kindle Fire.  I’m so excited! My computer has gotten really sucky as far as video quality on Netflix, so I’ll have something to watch movies on again.  And I’m excited to have a tablet to use for recipes in the kitchen. I don’t know how I cooked before I had a latop or ipod… I guess I just used cookbooks and didn’t do as much weird stuff as I do now.  Cooking GF pre-laptop would’ve been impossible.  Yikes.

Anyway, I think this is long enough… Not my best blog work, but oh well.  It’s a blog!  The first of the new year and the first in several months.

Love.

thedailywhat:

F**k Yeah Science of the Day: Say goodbye to the “hot pizza burn” — researchers at the University of New Mexico (a city known for chemistry) have created a dissolving oral strip that gives immediate relief and healing to a scalded mouth. 

Coffee, tea, pizza, or Hot Pocket, let no temperature stand in your way ever again. These need to come out ASAP.

[geekologie]

I feel like crap. Not sickly, but just down.  I can’t put my finger on exactly one thing that’s wrong, but I can’t make myself feel really happy.

Things with *boy* are going ok, but honestly, I’m not feeling any sparks.  We don’t text very much and the amount of time that I see him isn’t helping build anything between us, at least yet.  I’m sticking with it to see if that changes, but right now when we’re together it just feels like two lonely people distracting each other from their loneliness.  Normally at this point, I’d have ended it and given up, but I think maybe I’m too hasty in my actions sometimes and that’s why I can’t have a lasting relationship.  And I think part of me is afraid to be in a real, meaningful relationship and I’m trying to overcome that.

I feel useless right now too.  Summer just sucks when you’re stuck at home with nothing to do.  I wish I had a job, but nobody’s hiring close to home.  And it’s getting late in the summer for one now anyway.  I’m restless and that’s making me feel depressed.  I want to be in Alabama.  I want to be distracted.

I miss hanging out with my friends.  I know it’s unfair, but I feel jealous when I see that you’re hanging out with Peg and Sara.  I’m jealous of all of you getting to see each other.  I miss being there.  And I was especially jealous of you guys getting to hang out with Heather. I haven’t seen her in a year.  I hate not being in Bowling Green.  And I hate not seeing all of you when I am in Bowling Green.

The only thing that I’m feeling ok about right now is my weight.  I’m losing weight and I’m feeling a lot better about how I look in my clothes.  Why can’t you be skinny when you’re happy? And why can’t you be happy when you’re skinny? 

I hope these sad feelings pass soon. 

:(

I think it’s gonna a be a short blog, but we’ll see.

I finished Medical Terminology today and I made a 94% on my final and 100% on all of my quizzes, so I made an A in the class! Whoop!  It’s so nice to have that out of the way now and not have to fret over it.

Finals are almost here… That sucks and is awesome at the same time.  I can’t wait to be done with this semester and it’s almost here!  I’m just nervous about grades, which I realize sounds so stupid, but I really need all As. I know it’s not going to happen and it’s killing me that I’m going to have 2 Bs probably this time.  Killing me because I’m trying to get my GPA back to where it should be and As do that sooo much faster.  Oh well.  I’ll be okay.

Next semester should be pretty interesting.  I’m taking Spanish which I’m actually kind of excited about.  And lots of Nutrition classes. And Biochem.  Not excited at all about that. I’m ending up with “just” 19 hours.

‘Nough school jabber!

I’m going to start a food blog, but this one’s just going to be pictures.  It takes such a long time to type up recipes but just a couple minutes to snap pictures, so I think that’s how I’m going to document my culinary life for a while.  Food is such a big part of my life.  It’s probably beyond normal, but I don’t care.  It’s not like I’m obsessed with the eating part (though that’s definitely nice).  I like love to make it.  I like to watch people eat what I’ve cooked.  I express love through food.  I’ve been making some really fun and pretty food lately and I think I’ll stop annoying facebookers by posting food pics on there and do them on my blog instead.  I haven’t set it up yet, but I’ll do that soon.

EJ got his cast off finally!  It was actually done on Monday. I’d have posted pictures, but he won’t let me.  It’s hairier than his other arm because it’s been under the cast and the hair hasn’t shed like it normally would.  He said, “No pictures. I look like a werewolf.”  It was funny but made me sad for him.  I hate for him to be self conscious. And it’s really not noticeable, but he feels bad.  He’s not self conscious about the curve in his arm, though, thank goodness.  The doctor says it will straighten as he grows and it doesn’t look awful, but you can definitely tell he broke it.

I’ve done a lot of Bible studies in my life, but I think the ongoing one I’m doing with EJ now is my favorite.  It’s so fun.  We’re reading from just a Bible storybook, but it’s great for getting him acquainted with the Bible.  And he asks great questions.  And I really enjoy teaching.  

Musical obsessions right now include: The Carpenters, Jim Groce, Carole King and James Taylor.  LOVE.

That’s all I got right now.

Love.

Some days it feels like I can’t do anything right.  Today is one of them.

Today I cannot imagine that I will ever find whoever I’m meant for because it feels like there can’t possibly be anyone who’d want to be with me.  It’s not that I feel like I have nothing to offer.  It’s just that I can’t imagine anyone wanting what I have to offer over someone else who’s thinner, prettier, more adventurous, more outgoing, easier to talk to.

Today I don’t know why when I have the chance to end an argument before it begins, I won’t.  I can see it coming, I know what to do to avoid it, but I won’t just let it go.  I know that I’m right, but I also know that sometimes you should just go quietly about your business and know that you’re right and avoid unnecessary conflict.  But I guess today I’m not at my best.

Today it feels like I’ve let my life pass me by somewhat.  I feel like I should have progressed more.  I let a whole year go by and I was miserable.  And I accomplished nothing.  I have some time put in at a company that I will never work for again and who won’t give me a good reference because I did what was right and burned those bridges.  I have another ex boyfriend that I cannot stand because I got into a relationship that I knew was stupid but I did it anyway.  Probably because I was lonely and desperate for attention.  Because that’s what fall of 2010 - summer of 2011 was for me.  I gained perspective that year, but that’s the only good thing I can say about it.

Today it feels like I’m swallowed up in school.  I have a 2 quizzes, 2 tests, and 2 assignments due on Sunday through Thursday and I’m not ready for any of it.  I hate this semester so much.  And I say that every semester.  I know next semester will be the same.  20 hours.  I’m swallowed up in school now and it’s only going to get worse.

Today I feel like I could just curl up on my bed and cry.  But I don’t because there’s no reason to.  And it’s so hard to make people understand why you’re crying when there’s no reason.  And not being able to cry when you want to makes it harder not to cry.  I’m going through a low period, and I don’t know what to do about it.  I’m trying to act happy on the outside, but on the inside I just feel rotten.  I want to be happy, but right now I don’t know how. 

Today just kinda sucks.

I have eczema now?? What?! This totally sucks.  I’ve had to change my soap out and have to carry Aveeno baby lotion around with me and apply it waaaay more often than is convenient.  I feel like I’ve got one of every kind of minor health problem that you can have.  Body, straighten up and fly right.  End of rant. 

That title really only applies to two things that I know of that I’ll be blogging about, so maybe not the most appropriate title, but we shall see.

1) My bangs are not growing out anymore seeing as I had them cut a lot today.  I cut about an inch or maybe an inch and a half off my hair too… I didn’t really want to, but need to catch some really short layers up with length.  The struggles of being a girl! haha

and 

2) He’s not texting me anymore.  That sucks, because I was hoping that we’d really start talking this time, but I refuse to be the only one who makes and effort to keep talking, so I guess it’s not gonna happen.  It’s not like I need a boyfriend, but it’s just nice to look forward to someone’s name popping up on your phone sometimes… It’s been a while since I’ve had that.  (with someone who may or may not be gay. but probably is. i really think so)

Also, I want it to get hot again so I’ll lose my appetite.  It’s seriously so much easier to eat healthily when I’m uncomfortably hot all the time. Haha. And I have these cute skirts! And shorts… Come on, weather, would it kill you to cooperate?

I’ve been listening to NPR like crazy lately.  I love it.  There have been so many interesting stories on.  I used to listen to it some when I drove for JJ’s, but not as much as I do now.  I love Fresh Air and All Things Considered. Anyway…

Fish report: Woola is still alive and well.  I think I may be a good fish mother now.  Maturity!!

I don’t think I’ve ever been as tired as I am lately.  Even when I worked nights.  I don’t know what is wrong with me.  I can’t fall asleep easily and when I am asleep, it isn’t restful.  Ugh.  I’m about to have to resort to coffee.  

I was on worldvision.org the other day looking at some stuff about the little girl I sponsor, and I saw some awful pictures from the Horn of Africa.  The drought there was terrible and caused a famine.  The pictures of the kids like that just kills you.  I donated some money.  It was weird— the next day I heard a story about the food crisis on the radio the next day.  We’ve been studying Marasmas and Kwashiorkor in advanced nutrition.  It feels like someone’s trying to tell me something. 

I don’t want to end on a sad note, so last thing I’ll say is that Mom got her hair cut and it is so cute. I picked out the cut. It reminds me of her hair when I was little.  That’s the last time she had it that short.  Ah, nostalgia.

That’s all for now.

Love.

I don’t know his name, Greek Statue… I searched all through the roster on blackboard and all the males that could have been him don’t have facebook.  How horrible.  My mission is to find out for sure his name.  Maybe I’ll have a real picture to show you soon?  But he’s just classic and lovely enough to be above such things as facebook.  

Also, I realize this statue is Italian, not Greek, so we don’t even have to go down that road. :)